(A Disclaimer to my readers: the next few posts will be a departure from my usual sewing related fare, but I promise I will return to sewing projects as well. In fact I have been working on some things lately, I will update soon. So feel free to ignore the mother related posts as you see fit as the costuming posts will not cease.)
If you had asked me at 22 if I wanted to be a mother some day, I would have told you "No thanks. Dogs are more than enough for me. Children are for other people who don't mind missing out on all the fun that the world has to offer." I liked kids, I just liked handing them back to their parents when they cried or got dirty or broke something, etc. This was fine though and my boyfriend at the time agreed as well. We were content with a life of careers and work and dogs and friends and bars and travel. All of our hard earned money went to us and our even harder earned time went to doing what we wanted and not carting anyone else around. what maternal instincts I had went to raising too very spoiled and pampered husky mixes, my furbabies whom my parents even came to affectionately refer to as their grandchildren.
Fast forward about 4 years to 26. That boyfriend was now a fiancee the dogs were no longer puppies and that biological clock started ticking.
Now I always thought the idea of the "biological clock" was a load of horse s*** created by society to guilt women of breeding age to just stop fooling around and do their biological duty already. But turns out there is some basis of truth to the old adage...not that we have to have children, but that your body may start producing hormones that sure make you want them. I still remember the first major sign that something was changing. I was walking through a store (either Homedepot or JoAnns since that is where my crafting and improvement led me most days) and a woman passed with a child of probably about 18 months in her arms, and my entire being cried out for that child. I am not kidding. there was no logical explanation for it, but I suddenly felt a physical ache in my heart and breasts and loins for a child. I had never felt anything like it before, but if yearning could be put in an IV and be flushed through my body like a drug in a hospital, that is exactly what this would be like.
I did my best to try and ignore that incident as a one time freak occurrence as my soon to be husband and I had agreed back when I was 22 that we never wanted children and would never have any as an agreement of our relationship, I had surly did not see any ticking clocks around him. But unfortunately it was not a one time occurrence, and as more and more of my friends started having children around me and I started noticing the others in various stages of growing up, I started to seriously re-think my stance on motherhood. Maybe I was missing something.
It started becoming more than just the hormones, and I started seeing places where dogs could not do what a child could. Didn't I want to raise someone that I would not be guaranteed to have to watch pass in under fifteen years? Didn't I want someone around who might look back at me with my same face, but with a mind completely of their own? Didn't I want to relive those Firsts of discovery of the greatest things in life through another person? My first time at a live play. Chasing and catching fireflies on a warm summer night. Backyard camp outs. Dance classes/ sports/ favorite books, etc. I have life lessons to teach and extra love to give and suddenly career and husband and dogs and hobbies, just don't seem to be enough anymore.
This was unfortunately not a good thing for my marriage. I foolishly told myself that maybe, just maybe I could start explaining these things to my partner and eventually he too would have this revelation that I did. That was not the case. We had a few discussions and for a while I thought he was coming around, but then a clear point would be made such as a firm "No" when I looked at him once whilst holding a friend's baby in my arms. It became clear that despite being newly married I was going to have to make a choice between motherhood and my partner and best friend of six plus years.
I chose motherhood.
But of course it was still not that easy.
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